Becoming a Better Me: How to Ditch the 4 Relationship Habits That Wreck Love 💔

You’ve probably heard the phrase “We repeat what we don’t repair.” That gem comes from world-renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist famous for turning love and conflict into a science.

One of his most famous ideas? The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse—aka the four behaviors that, if left unchecked, can seriously damage (or even destroy) your connection.

Don’t worry, this isn’t a doomsday post. It’s your go-to guide to recognize the horsemen before they trample your love life—and swap them out for healthier habits that actually build trust, closeness, and respect.

Ready to become a better partner? Let’s do this.

🐴 Horseman #1: Criticism

What it sounds like:

“You never do anything right. Why can’t you just load the dishwasher the normal way?”

Criticism attacks your partner's character, not just their behavior. It often sounds like “you always” or “you never” and makes your partner feel blamed, shamed, or attacked.

Why it hurts: It puts your partner on defense and creates resentment over time.

Try this instead:
Use a gentle startup and “I” statements to share how you feel without pointing fingers.

💬 Replace:

“You’re so lazy.”
With:
“I get overwhelmed when the house is messy. Can we talk about splitting up chores?”

🐴 Horseman #2: Contempt

What it sounds like:

“Wow, you’re seriously that clueless? I can’t believe I married someone this selfish.”

Oof. Contempt is next-level toxic. It’s when you treat your partner like they’re beneath you—with sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, and mockery.

Why it’s the worst: Contempt is the #1 predictor of divorce in Gottman’s research. It shows up when there’s a total lack of respect.

Try this instead:
💛 Build appreciation into your daily routine. Notice the good. Say thank you. Remind yourself why you chose them.

Contempt tears down; appreciation builds up.

🐴 Horseman #3: Defensiveness

What it sounds like:

“It’s not my fault. You’re the one who never reminds me about this stuff!”

Defensiveness is basically saying, “It’s not me, it’s you.” It’s a knee-jerk reaction when you feel criticized, but it only escalates conflict.

Why it hurts: It shuts down accountability and turns conversations into blame wars.

Try this instead:
Own your piece—even if it’s just 10%.

💬 Replace:

“You’re always blaming me.”
With:
“You’re right, I forgot. I’ll take care of it tomorrow.”

A little accountability goes a long way in building trust and breaking tension.

🐴 Horseman #4: Stonewalling

What it looks like:
Silent treatment. Walking away mid-convo. Saying nothing while your partner is trying to connect.

Stonewalling is emotional shutdown. It usually happens when you’re overwhelmed or trying to avoid more conflict—but it makes your partner feel invisible or rejected.

Why it’s damaging: It blocks connection and signals, “I don’t care.”

Try this instead:
Take a break—but be clear about it. Say,

“I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need 20 minutes to cool down, then I want to come back to this.”

Breathe. Walk. Listen to music. Regulate first, then re-engage.

🧠 Kick the Four Horsemen Out of Your Relationship

Let’s recap the Four Horsemen (and how to replace them):

HorsemanWhat to Try InsteadCriticismGentle start-up + “I” statementsContemptDaily appreciation + respectDefensivenessTake responsibility, even a little bitStonewallingTake a break with communication

It’s not about being a perfect partner. It’s about being a better one.

💬 Final Thoughts

Love isn’t about never arguing. It’s about learning how to argue better. When you ditch the destructive habits and practice healthy communication, you create a relationship that’s built to last.

And remember: it’s not too late to change. Repair starts with awareness—and you’ve already taken that first step.

So ditch the horsemen, level up your relationship, and start showing up as the partner you want to be. 💛