Why Smart People Still End Up in Toxic Relationships—and How to Break the Cycle

Let’s be honest—dating today can feel like a reality TV survival show. My partner and I love watching Naked and Afraid (don’t judge). It’s packed with drama, raw humanity, and one golden takeaway: no matter how experienced someone thinks they are, if they drink unfiltered water, they’re going to get sick. Every. Single. Time.

The same goes for relationships. You might know the red flags. You might even have a mental checklist of what you want in a partner. But when you’re lonely, heart-hungry, or just craving connection? That logic goes out the window. You drink the emotional equivalent of murky water—and wonder later why you feel so wrecked.

Sound familiar? You're not alone.

Let’s break down why we sometimes fall for the wrong people, even when we know better—and how you can protect your heart while still staying open to love.

Why We Fall for the Wrong People

In his book How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk, Dr. John Van Epp explains that people often get trapped in unhealthy relationships because of unmet emotional needs. When you're starving for love, attention, validation, or connection, your brain goes into survival mode. It tells you to grab whatever’s available—filtered or not.

This can lead to dating someone way too fast or ignoring obvious red flags. You’re not being irrational; you’re just emotionally thirsty.

And thirst makes people do things they know they shouldn’t.

“Healthy people make healthy choices. In the same way, unhealthy people tend to build unhealthy relationships.”
– Dr. John Van Epp

Translation? If you want to find a healthy partner, you have to work on becoming one too.

Red Flags You're Overlooking Because You're "In Love"

You’ve heard the phrase “love is blind,” right? It’s not just poetic—it’s psychological. When your emotional needs are dialed up, red flags can look like green lights. Here are a few signs you may be idealizing someone who isn't right for you:

You dive in quickly and lose yourself in the relationship.
You spend all your time texting, daydreaming, or obsessing about them.
You ignore how they treat others—or how they treat you when no one’s watching.
You keep repeating the same relationship patterns over and over.

“If you have a history of dreamy love attacks that end up spiraling into nightmares, you may be avoiding your past pain by projecting your hopes onto a prince or princess who’s just another frog.”
– Dr. John Van Epp

Ouch. But also... true?

Step One: Get Healthy Before You Date

Let’s bust a myth real quick: You can’t fix someone with love. And you can’t get healthy by dating someone healthy. Your healing and growth have to come first.

Here’s why: Good people often overlook too much. We want to believe in others. We give second, third, and fourth chances—sometimes at the cost of our own well-being.

Start by working on you:

Clean your lenses. If your view of love is cloudy from past pain, work on that before trying to see someone else clearly.
Build self-awareness. Ask: What patterns do I keep repeating? What needs drive my decisions?
Know your worth. A relationship shouldn’t complete you. It should complement the person you’ve already become.

Watch for Unhealthy Needs Masquerading as Love

Not all needs are bad—everyone wants to be loved, valued, and secure. But when those needs become demands, things get risky. Here’s how healthy needs can turn unhealthy:

You don’t have to cut off your needs—just learn to recognize when they’re leading instead of guiding.

Repeating the Same Story? It’s Not Just You.

Ever feel like you’re dating the same person over and over in different bodies? There’s a reason for that. It’s called repetition compulsion, and it’s our brain’s sneaky way of trying to fix the past by repeating it.

Freud coined the term. Van Epp explains it like this: If you grew up with unmet needs or emotional wounds, you might subconsciously try to “rewrite the ending” by picking a partner who reminds you of the person who hurt you—hoping this time, it’ll end differently.

Spoiler alert: It rarely does.

So, Can You Break the Pattern?

Yes. But it takes work. Here are the four keys to real, lasting change:

1. Self-Awareness

You can’t change what you don’t see. Start by reflecting on your past relationships. What do they have in common? What pain might still be influencing your choices?

2. New Information

Learning how to create healthy connections isn’t a weakness. It’s wisdom. Whether it’s therapy, a book, or a course, seek tools that teach you how to love and be loved in a healthier way.

3. Motivation

Change doesn’t happen just because someone else wants you to. You have to want a different story enough to stop telling the old one.

4. Time

There are no shortcuts here. Healing and rewiring your emotional habits take time—but it’s worth every second.

Ask Yourself: How Thirsty Am I?

If this blog hit a little too close to home, that’s not a bad thing. It means you’re waking up to what you need and deserve in love.

Want a deeper dive into how to build healthy relationships from the start? Check out The PICK a Partner Program by Dr. John Van Epp—designed to help people just like you avoid falling for the wrong person (again). Learn more at www.lovethinks.com or email john@lovethinks.com for details.

How to Avoid Falling in Love With the Wrong Person