Understanding Misunderstanding: How to Spot and Stop Miscommunication in Your Relationship
Have you ever looked at your partner mid-argument and thought,
“How are we seeing this so differently?”
You’re not alone. Many couples hit moments when it feels like they’re living in two different worlds. But here’s the thing—having different perspectives isn’t the problem. Miscommunication is. And if left unchecked, it can create resentment, distance, and a lot of frustration in your relationship.
So, what’s causing the disconnect?
The Real Root of Miscommunication
In the bestselling relationship book Fighting for Your Marriage, the authors explain that one of the biggest causes of miscommunication is something called a “filter.” Think of it like the lens on your favorite photo app—it changes how you see what’s in front of you. In relationships, filters are the mental and emotional frameworks we use (usually unconsciously) to interpret what our partner says or does.
“Filters are the leading cause of miscommunication in relationships. By understanding your filters — and counteracting them — you can immediately improve your communication.”
— Fighting for Your Marriage, Markman, Stanley, & Blumburg
These filters come from your past—your culture, upbringing, past relationships, and life experiences. They shape how you interpret tone, body language, and even silence. But here’s the kicker: you don’t usually know they’re there until something goes wrong.
A Real-World Example: When Falling Down Means Something Different
Take this story of a couple, Susan and Adam. She grew up in the Dominican Republic; he grew up in the U.S. Whenever their toddler fell, Susan would rush over in a panic. Adam thought she was overreacting—until they took a trip to her home country.
Concrete. Everywhere.
Suddenly, it made sense to Adam. Falls on concrete are way more dangerous. Susan’s reaction was completely reasonable—based on her experience.
Without that context, it would’ve been easy for both of them to misjudge each other.
But once they saw each other’s filters, everything changed.
How to Recognize When a Filter Is at Play
We all have filters. The key is learning to spot them before they cause a fight you don’t need to have. Here are four questions to help you slow down and get clear:
1. Have I actually said this out loud?
You might think your partner should know what you’re thinking. But unless you’ve spelled it out, they probably don’t.
✨ Unspoken expectations are just disappointments waiting to happen.
2. Is my mood distorting how I see this?
Hungry? Tired? Stressed from work? These things mess with your perspective. Sometimes we’re not reacting to our partner—we’re reacting to our day.
Let them in on it. Say, “Hey, I’m feeling off today,” so they know what’s up.
3. Is their way actually wrong—or just different?
Different doesn’t mean worse. Your partner’s approach might feel unfamiliar, but it could work just as well (or better). Try seeing their style as something to learn from, not resist.
4. Is pride getting in the way?
Let’s be real. Sometimes we just want to be right. But holding on to pride usually costs more than it’s worth. Ask yourself,
“Do I want to win this argument or win in my relationship?”
Humility doesn’t mean being passive. It means being willing to grow.
The Payoff: Deeper Understanding, Stronger Love
When you get curious about your filters and your partner’s, you start shifting from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the problem.” You become better listeners, better communicators, and more compassionate teammates.
“Everyone today seems to think that communication means, ‘I want to be heard.’ But often, people forget that communication also means to listen.”
— Sara Beck
Great relationships aren’t built on perfect communication. They’re built on ongoing effort to understand and be understood. So next time you feel like you’re in a different universe from your partner, pause and check for filters.
Because the goal isn’t to always agree.
It’s to understand each other better every day.