You’re Not Supposed to Like the Ex, Right? Rethinking Co-Parenting and Stepfamily Dynamics

In movies, on social media, and even in casual conversations, there’s an unspoken rule: you’re not supposed to like your partner’s ex. At best, you tolerate them. At worst, you avoid them entirely.

But what happens when families start choosing empathy over ego?

Redefining What Co-Parenting Can Look Like

Modern co-parenting often resembles a business arrangement—neutral, distant, and strictly about logistics. Many co-parents function like coworkers trading info about pickups, drop-offs, and soccer schedules. It’s easy to fall into that pattern. It’s also easy to stay stuck in old feelings—hurt, resentment, or mistrust.

But sometimes life presents a moment that challenges the default script.

From Tension to Trust: When Families Choose Connection

Imagine this: a young girl is ecstatic about becoming a big sister. Her mother, now remarried, is expecting a baby. The excitement builds as the due date nears. But shortly after the birth, everything changes. The baby is diagnosed with a life-threatening genetic disorder.

In that moment, co-parenting stops being about court orders or calendars. It becomes about showing up for a grieving parent, regardless of past differences. It becomes about recognizing someone not as "an ex," but as a human being navigating unimaginable pain.

When co-parents support each other through real-life hardships—illness, loss, crisis—they move from a place of transactional parenting to transformational parenting. And the impact on the children is powerful.

Healing Through Shared Humanity

As time passes, the family dynamic shifts. New routines develop: sharing support, attending kids' events together, even collaborating on birthday parties or surprise gifts. What once seemed like an awkward or impossible relationship becomes a surprising friendship built on mutual care for the children—and for each other.

These changes don’t require a perfect past. They require presence, empathy, and effort.

What Makes a “Good Divorce”... Actually Good?

Research shows that in a “good divorce,” families with children remain families. The romantic relationship may end, but the parenting partnership continues. When parents create a united front, children experience less conflict, more stability, and stronger emotional well-being.

A good co-parenting relationship isn’t defined by being best friends. It’s defined by:

• Respect

• Communication

• Emotional safety for the kids

• Consistent parenting between homes

• Willingness to grow

4 Ways to Improve Co-Parenting—Starting Now

1. Seek Counseling for Co-Parents and Individuals

Professional therapy can help former partners process past hurts and refocus their energy on building a stable parenting partnership. Counseling isn’t about “fixing” a relationship—it’s about creating a new one rooted in shared goals.

2. Create a Safe Space for Kids to Love Freely

Children benefit when they’re allowed—and encouraged—to love both homes, all parents, and every stepparent involved. Avoid negative talk, sarcastic comments, or comparisons. Kids should never feel like they’re betraying one parent by loving the other.

3. Focus on the Good, Not the Grievances

Everyone has flaws. Instead of dwelling on what’s frustrating about a co-parent, choose to highlight what’s going well. Reframe the narrative for the kids: instead of “you have to go to your other house,” say “you get to go.” The attitude modeled by parents becomes the internal voice children carry.

4. Keep Showing Up—Even When It’s Hard

Co-parenting isn’t linear. There will be setbacks, misunderstandings, and emotional flare-ups. The key is to return to mutual respect after conflict. Keep showing up. Keep prioritizing the child’s well-being. Even imperfect effort makes a difference.

Real Co-Parenting = Real Impact

When families embrace more cooperative forms of co-parenting, kids thrive. They feel safe. They feel seen. They feel free to be loved by every adult in their life without tension or guilt.

And sometimes, unexpectedly, a stepfamily becomes something more—a real family.

Support and Resources for Blended Families

If co-parenting feels overwhelming or strained, these organizations offer helpful tools:

• Bonus Families – Practical strategies for peaceful co-parenting.

• SmartStepfamilies – Faith-based and research-backed resources.

• AFCC – Guidance for legal and mental health professionals on family transitions.

• ShareKids – Tools for shared parenting schedules and communication.

Final Thought

The idea that you have to hate or avoid a partner’s ex is outdated—and often harmful. Choosing peace, kindness, and empathy isn’t weakness. It’s emotional strength. It's parenting at its best.

Sometimes, the greatest gift parents can give their children is a co-parenting relationship that’s built not on tension, but on trust.