It's Not You, It's the Story I'm Telling Myself
How a Simple Phrase Can Transform Your Relationships
Ever feel totally misunderstood in your relationship? Like you’re trying to connect and your partner just... isn’t getting it?
You’re not alone.
Miscommunication is one of the biggest challenges couples face—especially when stress, insecurity, or past experiences are simmering just below the surface. But what if there was a simple mindset shift that could help you cut through all that noise?
Enter: “The story I’m telling myself...”
This game-changing phrase comes from researcher and bestselling author Brené Brown, who explores vulnerability and human connection in her book Rising Strong. She writes:
“If I could give people in relationships one life hack, it would be: ‘The story I’m telling myself…’”
Why? Because this phrase does two powerful things at once:
It helps you own your perspective (without turning it into an accusation).
It invites your partner into a deeper, more honest conversation.
Let’s break this down with a real-life example Brené shared—and why it just might change the way you talk to your partner.
The Lake Moment That Changed Everything
On a family trip, Brené and her husband went for a morning swim. For her, it was nostalgic and magical—a moment of deep connection. She looked over and said, “I’m so glad we’re doing this together.” He casually replied, “Yeah, water’s good,” and swam away.
Oof.
Twice she tried to connect. Twice he gave short, emotionless replies. Her brain filled in the blanks:
“He must not be attracted to me anymore. Maybe it’s the way I look in a swimsuit now. Maybe we’re just... off.”
Ever been there? That spiraling moment where your thoughts go from curious to crushed?
But instead of shutting down or lashing out, she got brave. When they reached the dock, she said:
“The story I’m telling myself is... you saw me and thought, ‘She doesn’t look like she used to. She can’t even swim freestyle anymore.’”
Her husband paused. Then he told her the truth.
He hadn’t heard a word she said. He was panicking. The night before, he’d had a nightmare that all five of their kids were in danger on the water. He was swimming in fight-or-flight mode, not ignoring her—just trying to stay mentally afloat.
Her story was false. His silence wasn’t about her at all.
Why This Phrase Works
Our brains are wired to protect us. When we don’t have answers, we fill in the gaps—and often with worst-case scenarios. “The story I’m telling myself...” creates a pause. It shifts us from blaming to curious.
Instead of:
“You don’t care about me.”
Try:“The story I’m telling myself is that you don’t care about me. Can we talk about that?”
It softens your delivery, shows self-awareness, and gives your partner room to respond with truth, not defensiveness.
How to Use This in Real Life
Here’s how you can start rewriting your mental narratives and get real about what’s going on beneath the surface:
🧠 Step 1: The Reckoning
Feel your feelings.
Ask:
What emotion am I actually feeling right now?
Where do I feel it in my body?
What might be triggering this?
Naming your emotion helps you slow the spin and spot the root.
🔍 Step 2: The Rumble
Question the story you’re making up.
Try journaling your SFD (Stormy First Draft). Let it all out—unfiltered, messy, real.
Then ask:
Is this story true?
Is it about them—or my past fears, insecurities, or needs?
What’s behind this reaction?
The raw draft often reveals what’s really hurting—maybe it’s fear, shame, or just exhaustion.
✍️ Step 3: The Revolution
Write a new ending.
Once you’ve uncovered the truth behind your emotions, use what you’ve learned to change the way you engage with others.
Your new ending might sound like:
“I was feeling insecure, and I needed connection. Next time, I’ll ask for that directly instead of assuming the worst.”
A Relationship Hack That Builds Real Intimacy
The next time you feel rejected, annoyed, or disconnected, pause before reacting. Ask yourself:
What’s the story I’m telling myself right now?
Then share it.
Not to accuse. Not to guilt. But to connect.
Because often, the truth is far more generous—and healing—than the story we made up in our heads.
💬 Try It Today:
Text or say this to someone you care about:
“Hey, the story I’m telling myself is ____. Can we talk about it?”
It might feel awkward at first. But it might also be the conversation that changes everything.