What Is Intimacy—And Why It Matters More Than You Think
“Intimacy” is often used as a stand-in for “sex”—but they’re not the same thing. And confusing the two can create real problems in a relationship.
Let’s get real: sex and intimacy are connected, but they’re not interchangeable. You can have sex without intimacy, and you can have deep intimacy without anything sexual happening at all. So what exactly is intimacy? Why does it matter? And how can you build it in your relationship?
Whether you’re dating, committed, or married, understanding what intimacy really means could be the key to more fulfilling emotional and physical connection.
What Is Intimacy, Really?
Intimacy is about more than physical touch—it's about emotional closeness, openness, and feeling truly seen by your partner.
Renowned therapist Dr. David Schnarch spent years studying intimacy in relationships and found that many sexual problems actually start with a lack of emotional intimacy. When couples work on opening up emotionally, their sex lives often improve, too.
Healthy intimacy means:
Feeling safe to express your thoughts and emotions
Being accepted for who you are
Sharing meaningful time and conversations
Creating emotional and physical closeness without fear
It’s not about how often you have sex—it’s about how connected you feel during and outside of sex.
Can You “Make Love” Without Love?
Here’s the thing: we often hear people refer to sex as “making love,” which implies a deep emotional connection. But let’s be honest—plenty of people have sex without emotional intimacy. That’s not always bad, but it’s important to know the difference.
In long-term relationships, sex can strengthen your bond—but only when it’s built on emotional trust and vulnerability. On the flip side, sex that lacks intimacy can sometimes leave you feeling more distant.
Good sex doesn’t have to be candlelit and dramatic every time—but it should feel connected. That could mean:
Being honest about what you like or don’t like
Making eye contact
Cuddling afterward
Being emotionally present, not just physically
Intimacy lives in the little things.
Sex and Intimacy: Which One’s More Important?
Short answer: both.
Emotional intimacy lays the groundwork for physical connection, and great sex can deepen emotional closeness. It’s not about choosing one over the other—it’s about learning how they work together.
Think of it as a cycle:
Emotional intimacy → better sex
Better sex → deeper emotional connection
It’s a win-win.
How Do You Build Intimacy?
No matter where you are in your relationship, intimacy isn’t something you either have or don’t—it’s something you build.
Here are a few small, powerful ways to grow intimacy starting today:
Put your phone down. Create distraction-free time to talk or just be together.
Make eye contact. It builds trust and presence.
Be open—even when it’s awkward. Talk about your feelings, even the uncomfortable ones.
Listen to understand. Not just to respond.
Try new ways of showing affection. Touch, compliments, quality time—figure out what speaks to your partner.
And most importantly: be willing to get vulnerable. That’s where real intimacy lives.
Final Thoughts: Intimacy Is the Heart of Connection
Whether you’ve been together three months or three decades, intimacy is what keeps your relationship strong. It grows when you’re willing to open up, listen, and connect in deeper ways—emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Ask yourself:
Where can I lean in more? How can I create more connection in my relationship today?
The more you invest in intimacy, the more love, trust, and satisfaction you’ll experience together.